How To Create Love Not War In Conflict

Conflicts with loved ones are always opportunities to expand awareness, be more honest and become closer.

Since some people avoid conflict like the plague, it’s not a surprise that many end up in cold, distant & feel very alone in relationships.

Here I will take you through some powerful insights that help our Kinesiology clients find peace not war in their relationships.

Number 1: Resolve any war within first

If you are at war within yourself, it is best to find unity here first before you take your campaign out to others. Many people don’t have open lines of communication within, with themselves, so they are not sure exactly what you want, therefore what you are and are not happy about, and what they would prefer, you will not be bale to communicate about his.


Most simply, if you can’t find peace within, you are very unlikely to find this out there.


Often there is a war within between our own head and heart, so making sure we are in alignment before we communicate with others in situations that feel stressful is important to feeling as open, calm and compassionate as possible.

Getting in alignment involves clearing the pathway so that you have full permission within for you to be your most authentic self and connect with and share all parts of you with others.

Kinesiology is all about alignment and letting go of disempowering beliefs about self and others that create inner stress and conflict and stop that inner unity or union happening.


Number 2: Find Balanced Perceptions Within Before You Get Battle Ready 

Being defensive has little to do with the other person in the conflict, but more to do with your relationship between you and you. If you can’t tolerate the possibility that others have a different view or preference, it’s likely that you have a very particular agenda for needing them to agree with you (as we discuss at #3 more).

Most often people need others approval when they don’t fully approve of themselves, when they think they are less important than the other person, or some people believe they are better than their adversary.

Really everyone is equal but different and mutual respect and compassion, will enable mature adult conversations without survival reflexes hijacking the brain.

Number 3: Take Responsibility For Your Personal Agenda

Since there is nothing intrinsically good nor bad about not agreeing with another person and people will always make decisions based on their own priorities, you need to be aware of all of your agendas and if you have ulterior motives.

Making sure you have awareness and balance around your personal motives will allow you to stay open, compassionate and honest in communicating.

Let’s look at conflict in a professional arena as its easier to show ulterior motives, and then bring it back to personal, such as romantic relationships.

For a professional matter it is important to be aware about whether what you are feeling “passion” about in the conflict is about the business per se, or are you taking it personally?

For example, if you need someone to agree with you as you feel inadequate or unliked if they don’t, then you are mixing personal with business and you really need to go back and do some personal inner work around #1.

Observing others is often the best teaching tool.

A great demonstration of mixing personal and business (creating imbalanced and terrible leadership) would be to observe some politicians in the media with scandals (or sometimes just generally). Often they display the following imbalances:

  • They can’t be wrong
  • They are always right
  • The other person is always wrong
  • The other person can never be right
  • They personally attack each other over professional matters
  • They think their view is more important than others
  • They are outraged when others don’t agree with them
  • They lie
  • They deny responsibility
  • They change their stories and become defensive
  • They blame others


Whilst this is humorous and even represents a common character description of the profession, this is concerning as it suggests they are not capable of holding balanced views (or making balanced decisions).


Number 4: If Other’s Aren’t Responsible For How You Feel, You Can Let Down Your Armour

If we have our armour up, its near impossible to give or receive love and create love and connection with others. If we don’t feel good enough about ourselves within, it’s very difficult to be open and honest about who we are & how we feel.

If we were to take what we discussed in #3 down to more of a personal level in relationships, and define the relationship between you and you as “personal” matters, the same rule applies, you shouldn’t use your personal matters to punish, manipulate or deceive the other person.

Your relationship between you and you are your personal responsibility and not the responsibility of the other person.

In particular, all of below relate to your relationship between you and you:

  • How you feel about you, if you are right
  • How you feel about you, if you are wrong
  • How you feel about you if you were alone (not in a relationship)
  • How you feel about you if the other person wanted to end the relationship
  • How you feel about you if you don’t agree
  • How you feel about you if you are betrayed by the other person
  • How you feel about you, if you are not honest with yourself
  • How you feel about you, if you don’t love, accept and value yourself
  • How you feel about you, if you always give your power away
  • How you feel about you, if you have always put the other person first


It’s easy to see how if any of above trigger a survival response, how a simple open honest conversation can turn feel like its a very threatening situation.

In taking responsibility for above, and realising that the underlying cause of stress is within, rather then them per se, you can let down your armour & have that open, honest & respectful conversation.

This can be easier said then done! This will all be much much easier with the support of Kinesiology to support you to identify and let go of your unique underlying causes of stress within. It’s likely if open communication is challenging for you, the underlying stress is repressed and there is several layers that are out of your awareness.

Using Kinesiology, we can use muscle testing to directly communicate with how your inner self is feeling below all the layers so that you can get back to balance faster.

If you do the work within and you can keep clear boundaries between what is your responsibility & what is their responsibility, you will feel much greater peace with communications & ensure you are feeling as open, powerful and loving as possible.

Just as how you feel about you, hasn’t got anything to do with them, and likewise how they feel about themselves, hasn’t got anything to do with you really (it’s impersonal).

When you don’t fear the conflicts, you can begin to see them as opportunities to create greater love and connection with others through mutual openness, honesty and being authentic.

Otherwise you are probably just avoiding truth in one form or another & that just creates greater stress (& war) in the long term.


We hope this helped!


If you need further support in discovering and letting go of the underlying reasons you are stressed or find yourself avoiding or in conflict often, please get in touch today to book in a Kinesiology appointment.


© Rachel Smith & Core Kinesiology & Natural Therapies 2018