Often communication can feel challenging as there can be stress that relates to both yourself and also feeling responsible for other person’s emotions or perceptions, even though they are impersonal.
In this blog we will give you some insights to help tone down the survival part of your brain when you are communicating.
The most common factors that we observe in Kinesiology sessions that hold back people with communicating include:
- Being attached to outcomes
- Taking other people’s judgments personally
- Believing the consequences will create more challenge then relief
- Not valuing self
- Not accepting others
- Having unrealistic expectations of others
- Fear of loss or abandonment
- Expecting to be unsupported
- Judging self according to others values (success/ failure)
- Feeling guilt, embarrassment or shame
All of the above factors can create anxiety and stress, where we may over-estimate the negative consequences and have a disproportionate fear if they were to occur. What’s more, often we under-estimate how capable we are to manage changes & consequences if we were to be more honest with ourselves and others.
Without firstly an awareness of above and how this applies to you, you can’t move into more open and confident communication where you feel close and connected with others.
Action Step 1
Choose 2 challenging communication situations for you at the moment right now and identify which 1-3 of above might be at play in each situation and observe if there is a common thread.
Beliefs that Keep you Stuck in Communication Stress & Anxiety
Two liberating insights that can clear up many delusions around fear in communicating is that
- Other people are responsible for how you feel about yourself
Whilst it can feel very hurtful what can be directed at us. Nobody can make you feel how you don’t already feel within. If someone was to say something hostile and you had strong self-worth and didn’t believe what they were saying to be true, it is possible you might even find their message humorous.
However, if you do believe what they are saying might be true & what this means about you, then you may feel very harmed and wounded. Some might notice this as being overly serious and not be able to banter in a light-hearted way when even meaningless & joking comments are made or perhaps just a curious question is asked.
Personal Protection & Shielding in Communication
If you find that personal protection holds you back with communicating, it can be helpful to know that resistance to communication is really about resistance to exposing how you already feel about yourself deep down. Since this within your control, this is very empowering as you have the power to change.
No one can make you feel, how you don’t already feel about yourself, so the solution here is to do the work with a trusted professional, so that change your relationship with you, so you are not feeling extra sensitive to how other people communicate with you. We believe Kinesiology is the most effective way to address this most of the time.
Anxiety from Being a Selfish Communicator
The second belief that creates a lot of inner stress and anxiety when we communicate is
- You are responsible for other people’s feelings
This is a huge belief that creates big resistance to communicating openly and honestly. Whilst this might seem selfless, it is actually selfish, as it is most likely that you need the other person to be happy so that you can be happy.
Similar to you as the communicator and the other person not being responsible for how you feel, you can’t make anyone else feel how they don’t already feel about themselves & it is futile to believe otherwise.
Provided you have communicated with kindness, respect and compassion; how the message is received on their end is impersonal and relates often to a lifetime of experiences over and above factors in the present situation, especially if they are not very present or connected generally within themselves.
If your message happens to expose an area that they don’t feel good about within themselves, the gift for them is that they are given the opportunity to become aware of this so they can choose to make changes. In being open and honest with each other, you can create a stronger & more intimate authentic bonds as you both share all parts of each other.
Action Step 2
For each situation, identify who’s feelings you are avoiding and why.
Building Self-Esteem and Confidence to Communicate Powerfully
When you repress you with by not expressing what is important for you, you are going to generate from within the exact feeling you seek to avoid. We can guarantee this will feel much worse than the other person not listening to you in the long term.
If you take responsibility for you, by allowing you to express how you feel, you will not only build up your self-esteem and confidence but you will empower others by not over-nuturing and protecting them at the expense of neglecting your own self-worth.
Final Action Step
Make a commitment to you that for each situation you will make a meaningful upgrade to how you communicate today. If something has been weighing on your shoulders, let the cat out of the bag, with love and kindness to yourself and others, so that you can build greater closeness and connection with those around you.
© Rachel Smith & Core Kinesiology & Natural Therapies 2018